Itch Fit
by Mello's Favorite Reject
Summary: Mello gets a cat, knowing that a certain redhead is allergic. So, Matt gets even, and it becomes a battle of tolerance. Who will snap first? Sickly Matt or a very determined but angry Mello?
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **(B)Itch Fit

**Summary: **Mello gets a cat, knowing that a certain redhead is allergic. So, Matt gets even, and it becomes a battle of tolerance. Who will snap first? Sickly Matt or a very determined but angry Mello?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own DN or anything referenced.

**Author's Note: **Enjoy.

…

* * *

**Prologue:**

It started with the itchy eyes. It was nothing substantial but the prickling sensation soon urged the redhead to rub. And though the instinctual watering soothed the irritation, it got worse. Then came the itchy nose, which then grew to support congestion. Before long, hives had broken across the arms, chest and neck of the redhead, who holed himself up in his room in hopes of lessening the cause.

Drinking liquid allergy syrups and gargling salt water did nothing to rid the redhead of his problems.

Then came the sneezing, and it wasn't just one or two, it was forty or fifty consecutive ones that left him panting, breathless. His face was tinged pink an his chest heaved. He breathed through his mouth to compensate for his stuffy nasal cavities.

His ears were reacting as if he'd lost cabin pressure; everything seemed so far away.

Chills climbed up his spine and left his arms and legs with goose bumps.

Even though he piled on layers of clothing and had a blanket around his shoulders and over his lap, his hands shook too much to properly hold the controller and play a game.

After days of this going on -possibly a week, the redhead slipped on his slippers and threw open his bedroom door; he stalked the halls, sneezing in fits and covering his mouth to reduce the spread of germs.

When his congestion broke up, it was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because he could breathe more adequately, and a curse because he could smell the foul ammonia stench of an untreated litter pan.

Yes, litter… As in, the stuff a cat uses in place of plumbing.

More sneezing. Eyes red and puffy and swollen. Overall sickness but no fever. OTC meds that don't quite work and cause excessive drowsiness.

All because his roommate and friend had to bring a cat into the house.

"Mellooo," the redhead groaned, his voice not quite his own, riddled with phlegm in constricted vessels. "Mello, we need to talk." Upon entering the kitchen, the first thing he's greeted with is a hiss. He then notices the creature of his disdain.

A small striped animal with a white face and large eyes perched on the table, claws out and mouth open to reveal tiny, sandpapery teeth as it attempted to be threatening.

"Stupid cat," murmured the redhead, stifling another sneeze and groaning afterward. "Stupid Mello for wanting a stupid cat." Just then, he caught sight of a note tacked to the fridge with a cliché _I *heart* PUSSY _magnet. (There was a cat on the magnet.)

Moving closer to the fridge and note, he read:

_Matt,  
__Had to go out; got called in for work.  
__Feed Durden while I'm gone. Twice a day. His food's in the corner of the pantry.  
__Thanks.  
__-M_

Letting out an indignant whine, Matt glanced from the note to Durden the cat. "I hate you," he mouthed silently, glaring with the improbable intent of making it spontaneously combust.

Suddenly, an idea struck him, and his leer turned into a smile, and it would've been a perfectly evil smile had he not sneezed just then.

Yeah, Mello could get a cat, knowing perfectly well that the redhead was allergic, but Matt knew exactly how to get even.

…

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**/Prologue's complete. 1****st**** chappie will reveal how Matt intends to get even with Mello. -Review!/**


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: **(B)Itch Fit

**Summary: **Mello gets a cat, knowing that a certain redhead is allergic. So, Matt gets even, and it becomes a battle of tolerance. Who will snap first? Sickly Matt or a very determined but angry Mello?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own DN or anything referenced.

**Author's Note: **Done without Proofreading. Enjoy.

…

* * *

**Chapter One:**

Favors were called in by the allergic redhead and soon enough, his blonde roommate was coming home, soaked in leather and expecting a cuddly-wuddly reunion with his little puss-puss Durden. Little did he know that there was a little something _extra _waiting for him as well.

Slipping the key into the lock and stealing the door open afterwards, he stepped inside, black boots clunking on the hard wood and contrasting in sound when hitting the rubber welcome mat.

His coat was set aside and he called for Matt and Durden; the cat's name echoed with a _'C'mere, kitty, kitty, kitty,_' in the way that mousy cat-owners do.

He received no immediate answer, and so he began the manual hunt, shutting his eyes and grimacing when he caught wind of the litter box odor. With a slight grunt of disapproval, he headed for the bathroom and knelt next to the over-filled litter pan, tending to it and replacing the used litter with fresh. When he discarded the mess and found the environment more breathable, he continued his search, twitching when he heard a loud thud and then heading in that direction.

Mello found the source of the thud to be a fallen boar head that had been mounted on the wall and, clinging to the snout of said boar was none other than Durden. The blonde swatted the kitten away from the piece of taxidermy and set it back on its proper hanging fixture before scooping the little furball into his hands and bringing it to his face for an affectionate nuzzle.

"Has Matt been nice to you? Has he rubbed your tummy, scratched your ear, and given you food?" He didn't bother fighting the smile that slipped into place as the small creature curled into him and began to purr. "Let's find out what Matty's been up to, shall we?" Still cradling Durden close, he headed for the living room. He spotted the aforementioned redhead sitting on the sofa, lanky frame hunched over a handheld and fleece blanket draped over his shoulders. "You okay, Matt?" he asked offhandedly.

Matt's fingers stilled on his game; his head lethargically lifted and his own swollen gaze met clearwater blue eyes. "M'sick," Matt murmured, voice thick and nasally with mucus. His breath came in shallow wheezes.

Mello frowned and placed his hand to his roommate's forehead. "What happened? You look ready to kill over on me."

"Your stupid cat's what happened."

"… But Durden's tiny; there's no way he could have made you _this _sick."

"I'm highly allergic to cats, you dumb-ah-" he didn't get to use a derogative nickname at the end of his statement; a sneeze bellowed forth instead and he dropped his handheld in favor of tugging at the blanket for added warmth.

Frowning, Mello backed away and shook his head. "Well, I'm not getting rid of Durden. You'll just have to get meds for your allergies; I hear you can get weekly shots now."

"I'm not getting shots." Another sneeze came, but he reared his head with a cynical smile afterwards. "Besides, I'm sure if I can put up with your little furry friend, then you can put up with mine."

Mello looked at Matt quizzically before silently mouthing '_Oh, hell no'_. Setting Durden down on the upper perch of the nearby cat-climber, the blonde began the frantic search for what sort of pet Matt might have gotten. Normally, he'd think nothing of it, but he and Matt knew each other quite well, and he knew Matt had a vengeful motive with getting a pet…

And Matt knew Mello equally well, possibly planning to exploit his fear of chickens. (Yes, Mello was terrified of chickens, which the redhead had found out while playing Final Fantasy. Mello had taken one look at the Chocobo and shot the tv with a strangled sort of battle cry.)

Upon finding no trace of chickens, the blonde felt relieved; though, the relief was short lived when he found a 5 gallon bucket of water next to a large dog bowl full of what looked like grain and bird seed. His heart raced and he looked about wildly, suddenly fearing the worst.

Why a dog bowl? Why bird seed? Why such a big bucket of water for one animal? His insides raced and he looked for further indication of what animal Matt had gotten. Upon finding nothing, he stomped noisily back towards the redhead and cleared his throat. "You're joking, right?"

Matt looked at him with sick, glassy eyes and a smile that feigned innocence. "Hn?"

"The big bowl of bird seed. The big bucket of water… -You're trying to trick me into thinking that you have a giant chicken, aren't you? Well, I've already looked into it, and unless you have a fuckin' emu in here, it's not happening."

And Matt laughed… because Mello was serious. "I never even thought about an emu! But… I did call ina couple favors and get a pet." He clicked his tongue a few times and a strange sheep-like _baaa-aa-eh-ah _sound erupted, echoing from a room elsewhere. Then, in a matter of seconds, a black and white creature about the height of a medium-sized dog hopped in, its body being somewhat reminiscent of a short, (very) pudgy deer.

"It's a fuckin' cow?!" Mello shrieked, face red and shoulders heaving.

"Uh, two things Mello. One, it's a goat; not a cow. Two, just be glad it's not a giant chicken or something."

"It's a farm animal; it's gonna shit everywhere, and I don't want it in the house."

Matt rolled his eyes and reached out to pet the animal that eagerly accepted the touch. "It won't get much bigger; and if you haven't noticed, I've solved the potty-problem."

Hearing the redhead say this, Mello found his eyes drawn to the potty-solution: a Mickey Mouse themed pull-up rested awkwardly over the goats hips. "Jesus-fuckin'-Christ, aren't you taking this a bit far?"

"No, I don't want my Orgasm outside in an unsafe neighborhood. -Oh, yeah, the goat's name is Orgasm. Because… as long as you have that stupid cat, this goat is the _only _Orgasm that's gonna be under this roof, and it's _mine_."

…

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**/Review./**


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: **(B)Itch Fit

**Summary: **Mello gets a cat, knowing that a certain redhead is allergic. So, Matt gets even, and it becomes a battle of tolerance. Who will snap first? Sickly Matt or a very determined but angry Mello?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own DN or anything referenced.

**Author's Note: **Once again, no proofreading. Errors abound. Enjoy.

…

* * *

**Chapter Two:**

Mello's own steely gaze lingered on the goat disbelievingly before focusing solely on the redhead. "So, you have a goat named Orgasm… wearing a diaper… _and _you're withholding sex?"

Matt gave a curt nod, one hand digging into the course fur of his goat while the oppositional palm rested along the animal's face and he thumbed along its ear. "Such a nice goat, huh? I could play with it _all _day." He paused his hands and the goat roughly rammed its hardened skull towards the redhead, demanding attention.

"You think it's funny, but it's not," the blonde grumbled testily, turning away and reclaiming his cat. "You enjoy your Orgasm all by yourself; I'm going to take my pussy into my room, and you can't come in. Until your damn goat's gone. Yeah, fuck you. You'll get so bored and lonely. Trust me, you'll be begging me to sell your damn farm animal to a glue factory!"

At that, Matt's voice simply deadpanned: "Goats aren't used to make glue." Just then, the goat hopped up into Matt's lap and tucked its legs in. Large oval eyes drew close and the animal sniffed his own crimson locks before goat lips encased his ears, rubbing warm hairy rows of tissue around the cartilage of his lobe. Matt was instantly covered in goose bumps and he stifled a laugh at the ticking sensation. "I couldn't get bored of this," Matt said between fits of amusement, Orgasm attacking him in an odd display of affection. He pressed his own forehead against the bone-hard one of his goat and a smile pulled at his lips.

Mello huffed indignantly and stroked Durden at leisure. "Trust me, you'll get rid of your goat before I get rid of my cat. Even if I have to play dirty. I always get my way."

"Yeah, you usually do, but that's only because I'm usually helping. Now that we're opponents, things might not go so smoothly."

…

Matt's own misery had increased tenfold over the next few weeks. Granted, he had a lot of fun allowing his goat to chomp on the furniture and butt its head into almost every hard surface it could reach, his blonde companion had certainly paid dues, bringing in a large amount of cat furniture and three large adult cats, appropriately named: Stinky, Faygo, and Willie.

Stinky was obese and had an uncooperative bowel. Faygo was hyper and clawed at everything, from carpet fibers to curtains. Willie was constantly sporting an erection, whining and mewling and humping the redhead's plushie collection.

Matt's eyes watered and his throat itched; he coughed up phlegm and mentally noted the color before trying to chase Willie away from his collectables. "Damn cat! Stop raping Ichigo!" He swatted the furry creature, which then hissed at him and hid beneath his bed. He let out a croaking sound before shouting: "Melloooo, your Willie is raping my toys!"

To this, Mello distantly responded: "Go play with your Orgasm!"

"Clean your litter boxes!" the redhead goaded.

"Shut your damn cow up!"

"It's a goat; not a cow!"

Their arguing knew no bounds. Mello looked absolutely pissed as he stomped into Matt's room and dropped to the floor, reaching beneath the bed and grabbing his horny cat out from underneath.

Blowing his nose and discarding the tissue, Matt inspected Mello, smirking when he noticed the angry red claw marks that climbed up the once-flawless arms of the blonde. "Cats playing too rough?" he teased, covering his mouth to cough afterwards.

"Shut up and play with your filthy cow."

"It's a goat, Mello."

"Whatever," grumbled the blonde, carrying the mewling cat out of the room and into the living room, growling when he noticed little Durden hiding in the corner, afraid of the imposing goat that pranced around the room and jumped on and off the furniture.

When the cat in his grasp began to squirm and claw, an awful idea planted itself in the blonde's head; he acted upon it in an instant, literally tossing the mewling furball onto the goat and encouraging it with the words: "Go on, Willie. Get it. Get the Orgasm. Go on."

Unfortunately for him, Willie the cat didn't find the goat appealing; so, instead of attacking the livestock, he simply raced away from Orgasm and began to chase Faygo.

"Damn cat," murmured the blonde, pushing aside his irritation and trying to humanely stop Willie from attacking the energetic feline. When the animals managed to outrun him, he grabbed a glass of water from a stand and flung it towards them, getting them wet and instantly halting them in their tracks. Willie let off an angry growl and sunk his claws into Mello's leg while Faygo decided to hop up into the window and bat at the drapes.

Sighing, Mello decided that everything that had been going wrong was his redheaded roommate's fault. If Matt had just put up with Durden, then there'd be no goat or excess cats, and they could all live happily ever after, having sex whenever the fuck he pleased and petting his little bitty pussy when he had nothing better to do.

Thankfully, the clock ticked away and Mello found himself more eager to get to work than ever before.

Once there, he flipped the bird at his cohorts and dropped lazily onto the tacky sofa. "I'm early, I know," he said simply, stretching out and getting comfortable.

Rod, a superior member of the base, wrinkled his nose and narrowed his eyes at the blonde. "You smell like cat piss."

"I got a cat."

"Don't you have clean clothes?"

"Matt stopped doing my laundry."

"And you can't at least shower?"

"I got mad at Matt, so I stopped paying the bills; the water's shut off."

"So, he couldn't really do the laundry anyways?"

"No, we live near a Laundromat."

"…Mello, we appreciate you showing up, but…-" one lackey began cautiously, only to be silenced with the blast of a .45 as the blonde shifted, feeling his bones pop and moaning at the sensation." He received several awkward expressions twisted in his direction before he scowled and explained: "Matt's withholding sex as well."

At this, everyone nodded and grumbled in understanding.

Rod lit a cigar and took a seat across from the blonde. "I had a problem like that once, only it was with a woman. Do you know how I solved it?"

"You shot her?"

"Fuck no."

"You got someone else to shoot her?"

"Mello, she's still alive."

"But she's paralyzed and on life support?"

"No, she's fine and rearing our kids like a good little bitch. -And… I solved our problem with some marital counseling."

Hearing this suggestion, Mello responded by burying his head against the sofa cushions and kicking and screaming, like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

The rest of his day wasn't much better. Nothing was accomplished and he was positive his cohorts and boss were itching to shoot his sorry ass by the time he left.

Arriving home was a nightmare. Durden was once again hiding while Stinky, Faygo, and Willie perused the entirety of the house, running amok like wild animals and acting stir-crazy. Grabbing up little Durden, he headed to his room and shut himself in, desiring an escape from the hell he'd helped create. He plopped down on his bed and noticed the odd feel of the mattress against him; glancing down, he was greeted with the sight of yellow hollow reeds in abundance.

Straw.

Lots and lots of straw. Large bales of it spread across his bed and all over his floor.

Stamping his booted feet against the floor, he called loudly for his longtime friend: "Maaatt, get your cow-lovin' ass over here and clean up this mess!"

Matt arrived, a bumbling mess of blankets and hives. Orgasm was at his side, following him around like a loyal mutt. "M'yeah, Mells?" he ground out breathily, barely able to say the greeting before he swayed unhealthily and lost balance, catching himself on the wall.

"Why the fuck is all this straw in _my _room?"

Pushing himself off the wall and fighting to stay upright, Matt gave his answer. "Your cats keep coming into my room, so I figured… why can't my Orgasm visit your room? You never used to care when I had my orgasm in your room." The snaky remark was uttered with contempt.

Mello wanted to tear his own hair out; at this point, he was torn between physically attacking the redhead… and sending him to bed with a hefty dose of Nyquil and a chest full of Vicks vapor rub. "Matt, I'm not arguing with you. Go to bed."

"Can't. There's cat hair everywhere," stated Matt.

"And there's a goat in my room now. And straw too," Mello countered.

With a shaking breath, Matt tossed himself face-first onto Mello's straw-covered bed. "Mells, Imma sleep here." The moment he said that, the goat picked something up off the floor with its slender jowls and hopped upon the bed to lay beside its redheaded owner, happily proceeding to chew at whatever fabric rested in its mouth.

Mello narrowed his eyes but said not a word, and all he could think was: _'the cow is eating my underwear_.'

…

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**/Review./**


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: **(B)Itch Fit

**Summary: **Mello gets a cat, knowing that a certain redhead is allergic. So, Matt gets even, and it becomes a battle of tolerance. Who will snap first? Sickly Matt or a very determined but angry Mello?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own DN or anything referenced.

**Author's Note: **Once again, no proofreading. Errors abound. Enjoy.

…

* * *

**Chapter Three:**

When Matt awoke, Mello was gone… and so was his Orgasm. Stretching out languidly, he took a deep breath and registered humidity and the strong scent of eucalyptus. His eyes initially opened to the sight of a humidifier.

Mello might have been gone, but the unexpected gesture was greatly appreciated. The redhead smiled as he reached for a conveniently-placed box of tissues and an unopened bottle of water.

Taking a drink and getting to his feet, Matt felt better than he had in ages; his headache was gone and his sinuses were clear. His hives had vanished and his throat felt wonderful when greeted with the cool water.

With a genuine smile and the repressed desire to intimately thank his blonde companion, he headed for the door, intending to exit the room, but… it was impossible. He tore open the door and gawked at thick plastic sheet that served as a bulwark, a barrier between him and the rest of the house.

He suddenly felt like a bubble boy, and it wasn't something he was too happy with.

With a slight growl of irritation, he grabbed for the phone on a nearby perch, intending to call Mello's cell and give him an earful but… another thought crossed his mind.

He could level the score, even from inside a bubble, and it would only take one simple phone call.

_Commence Operation: Mickey!_

…

Coming home after working and picking up a few necessities (Chocolate, cigarettes, cat food, beer, etc.), Mello found his ass planted on the couch with Durden in his lap. Stinky was (thankfully) in another room, and he hadn't a clue where Faygo and Willie had run off to, but all was right with the world. Yes, even Orgasm had settled comfortably in the laundry room (though the damn thing kept making sheep-noises, which was annoying as all fuck!)

Still, Mello was pretty damn happy, especially since he knew Matt could sleep peacefully in the ventilated room he'd set up, and… with any luck, there would be no hard feelings at him blocking the redhead off from the rest of the house for a little while.

Everything was going well (minus his manhood's lack of activity), that is… until he caught sight of movement in his peripheral vision.

From the corner of his eye, he detected something shadowing across the threshold of his prime environs. This caused him to instinctually jerk into action, peeling himself from the sofa and drawing a gun; his eyes were narrow and his breaths were taken at even intervals, but dammit if his heart wasn't beating just a little fast.

He calmed down and lowered his weapon when he noticed that the intruder was naught but a rat, large and imposing harmless enough. "Fuckin' rat. What's the point in having cats when they don't do their damn job?" he muttered to himself.

His irritation was forgotten as Durden also sprung into action, leaping onto the back of the rat and sinking his teeth and claws in. Pride was what Mello felt then, watching the struggle in which his little pussy had the upper hand.

Durden's small form was bounced around while the rat twisted and bucked and whipped its head around for a bite; the rodent ran head-first into the wall and slammed itself into the floor, trying to rid itself of the small feline, but to no avail.

The blonde cat-owner though about shooting the rat once more, but if his aim were off, even the slightest bit… then-

He shuddered at the thought of harming his kitty.

A cruel grin carved itself into place when he saw his cat's tiny teeth work at the large rat's neck, trying desperately to bring it down. He seated himself back on the sofa and simply watched, curious.

Just then Faygo ran in, chased by Willie, as per usual. Faygo pounced at the rat Durden wrestled and Willie soon joined the pile. It looked very much like a cartoon, all four rolling around and attacking one another blindly.

Mello's amusement in the situation was short lived as he heard the sound of scampering, then chewing - sounds expected from an infestation of rodents. And the sounds were loud and horrid; and another rat ran into the room. And another. And another.

-And before long, there were at least twenty large rats in the small living room, and Mello found himself in a crouch atop the sofa, gun in hand and wide eyes frantically trying to keep track of where they were all coming from.

His phone rang, but there was no way in hell he was crossing the room to answer it, not with the floor coated in diseased creatures.

His cats were going mad trying to get them, but since they were so outnumbered, the odds were not in their favor.

The answering machine picked up and Matt's uncontested voice could be heard: "_Hey, Mells, thanks for taking care of my allergies; I trust my Orgasm is in your care? -Oh, and I wanted to let you know that I'm perfectly okay with your cats, but they're terrible mousers; I think I've seen a mouse or two… You should do something about that." _Click.

And Mello was pissed. Rats were fuckin' everywhere and he'd lost sight of Durden amongst the ruckus. To top it all off, the infestation appeared to be Matt's doing… which meant Mello had to get back at the redhead… and he knew just how to do it.

Yes, it was more than a battle of tolerance; it was a battle of wits as well! And Mello was nothing if not witty.

So, ignoring his irritation for a moment, he hopped off the sofa, into the mayhem of predator and prey, and grabbed for the phone. He plucked it from the base and dialed Matt, knowing the redhead would pick up, and the moment the call was answered, he screeched into the receiver, letting his angst be known. "Matt, you conniving little fucker! I know what you did, and-"

"And if you take care of things, I'll be sure we have a non goat-related orgasm soon enough." With that, the call was disconnected.

The idea was tempting. Mello almost considered calling in an exterminator and then screwing his roommate into oblivion, but his motif for revenge was slightly higher in terms of priority. His libido forgotten and dick neglected, he kicked a nearby rat towards his ambling felines before deciding his next move.

…

And what a move it was. The blonde made all the arrangement and had everything properly in place before removing the plastic seal that had saved the redhead from the horrendous catastrophe. Then… Mello simply tacked a note to the fridge and left for work, whistling innocently on his way out the door.

Matt awoke to the farewell whistling and tried to hide beneath a pillow, not wanting to be up just then. Unfortunately, his internal clock urged him awake and he dragged himself out of bed. He rubbed his eyes and sniffled, confused to find himself congested once more. The confusion died down upon seeing Willie, Stinky, and Faygo in the room with him.

Faygo seemed to have tired himself out and was curled up for a nap. Willie was mewling and rubbing against Matt's legs, begging for attention and physical stimulation. And Stinky was… going to the bathroom _outside _the litter pan.

Matt whined loudly but inwardly admitted that he should have expected such a thing to happen. He tried to step over Willie but with the cats awkward obsession with staying tucked around his feet, he unintentionally stepped on the a furry tail; to this, Willie let out a horrid cry and latched his claws onto Matt's leg.

Matt, of course, screamed a the sudden pinch of claws against his skin, kicking and hopping about like a madman as he tried desperately to rid himself of the furry nuisance. His rambunctious behavior stirred Faygo awake, and Faygo decided to join the fun, latching onto Matt's other leg and causing Matt twice the aggravation, which was punctuated with a hefty sneeze and reddening cheeks.

His hives were already coming back; his eyes itched. Of fuck, he felt like he was dying.

Eventually, he managed to free himself of the creatures; he stumbled out of the room and found… carcasses.

Rat carcasses.

A baker's dozen.

Littering the hallway.

Half-eaten, covered in blood.

Some with a skeleton and an untouched head, others with missing limbs or gouged eyes.

Something terrible had happened, and as Matt slowly stepped over the decaying rodents, he was able to tell what had transpired.

The living room resembled a coliseum: a hollowed battlement surrounded by furniture. In the center of the floor, in place of a gladiator or a lion, was another sort of beast. At 7 ft long, with a jaw-span of 2 feet and a never-ending supply of viciously sharp teeth, it was an alligator, fresh from the Everglades.

That fishy swamp smell hung in the air: stale perfume, or like the air around an unclean fish tank. That soured smell of spoiled milk and shrimp. That dirty, grimy smell that you can almost _taste_.

But this was more than a smell; this was a wild beast; its tail moved in a fluent whip-like manner; its jaws were wide and its eyes were alert, searching for prey and sizing up the redhead that drew into view. It let off a strange sort of hiss; a warning of sorts.

"Oh, Mello… Why would you…-? No..."

Sadly, even the menacing beast was not what captured the entirety of Matt's attention.

No, what really bothered the redhead was the abundance of blood… and the white and black tuffs of fur… and the regurgitated remains of what was once his Orgasm.

So, yes, Matt was pissed, and now while Mello was off enjoying work, he would have to make due with the situation he'd been left in.

…

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**/More to come. Believe it or not, Matt's upcoming actions will surprise you, I'm sure. Review./**


	5. Chapter 5

**Title: **(B)Itch Fit

**Summary: **Mello gets a cat, knowing that a certain redhead is allergic. So, Matt gets even, and it becomes a battle of tolerance. Who will snap first? Sickly Matt or a very determined but angry Mello?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own DN or anything referenced.

**Author's Note: **Once again, no proofreading. Errors abound. Enjoy.

…

* * *

**Chapter Four:**

Mello was at work; it was a slow day. Snydar was doing all the drug running and the rookies were shaking down some bums for the cash they owed; there wasn't much to do; nothing else needed done at the moment, which left Mello and Rod alone at HQ.

Mello lounged on the tacky sofa, chocolate bar wedged between his hand and teeth. Yesterday's clothes still on his back and hair mussed.

Rod, with his beefy stature and mocking grin, sat across from him, cigar planted between his wide lips. "Trouble in paradise? Still? I'm tellin' ya, I recommend the counseling."

"And I recommend you shutting your trap; I've got it handled."

"Sure, like I believe that." The sarcasm was there but concern was evident as well. "Mello, you're like a son to me. Fuck, you couldn't be more like a son to me if you suckled my wife's titty-milk. You're family, and though I probably shouldn't, I care. -Now, I'm willing to offer you my best whore…"

"No."

"Big headlights; wet undercarriage, if ya know what I mean."

"No."

"Skimpy little outfit."

"No."

"So, you like dick, right? Like to take it up the dog-hole? Well, what if I can pay for a…-?"

"No! Rod, I don't want any whore. I want Matt, but I keep pissing him off."

"Why?"

"Because he's pissing me off."

"Why?"

"Because… I wanted a pussy."

"Get a whore or go home and fuck your little man."

"_Cat_! I got a cat!" Mello's elaboration did nothing to deter Rod's train of thought.

"Mello, go home. And don't come back until you reek of sex. Or I'll plug your ass with a .45. -Seriously, go get sexed, and don't come back 'til you do."

…

Meanwhile, a certain redhead was dealing with his own dilemma. According to the note tacked to the fridge (held in place by the famed _I *heart* PUSSY _magnet), the gator was Mello's newfound friend, and his name was Rubber.

Beneath the scope of an ironic design, one might say: _Mello's Rubber orally destroyed Matt's fuzzy Orgasm,_ but of course… that would entail a cosmic sort of absurdity.

Still, Matt found himself barefoot and vestless, wearing naught but a pair of baggy jeans and a long-sleeved striped shirt; there was nothing abnormal about that, but as he approached the wide-mouthed Rubber,_ (Mello's!)_ combat boot in one hand and an empty palm for the other, he circled the beast. He tossed the boot at the alligator just to gauge how fast it could snap the leathery treat.

With an amazing speed, it followed his every move, whipping around and snapping its jaws like the monster reptile it was. When Matt grew confident from observing the alligator's range of movements, he drew slightly closer and tagged the base of its tail, causing it to jerk and snap again; thankfully, the daring redhead was able to rear back before getting caught in the toothy void.

Again and again, he teased the Rubber, each time coming close to being bitten but skillfully avoiding the assault. Sometimes he would grab and tug at its tail, other times he'd simply catch its attention by making a false attempt.

He continued to circle it, teasing it by the tail when near the rear and batting the top of its snout to push it away when he was near the head; sometimes his frontal technique changed: instead of batting at the snout, he'd place one hand beneath the gator's lower jaw and the other on the top, bringing those powerful mandibles together and forcing it to withdraw.

This repeated for a good twenty minutes, during which there were many close encounters.

Eventually, the creature began to slow; its energy was depleting slowly but surely.

Matt took the gator's sluggishness as his cue to get behind the reptile, a foot on either side of the beast as he removed his striped shirt and tossed it over Rubber's head -it was importantly to remove the gator's sense of sight from the equation. Then he dropped himself belly-first onto the predator's back, hands holding its neck in a vice-like grip and slim body pinning it down.

The gator's struggle increased and its strength was maddening, emerging in short but dangerous bursts, showing its speed and dexterity.

When at last the monster gave up, Matt loosened his grip and turned his attention to his shirt, wrapping it around the gator's mouth and tying the sleeves, binding its jaws just enough to prevent it from snapping.

Finally, Matt got up, covered in a light sheen of sweat and welts from his bare torso rubbing against the scaly Rubber. His breath evened out and he smiled in triumph, but that smug feeling was short-lived as he now needed to find a way to get back at his blonde companion.

_But how?_

Thankfully, the redhead was a genius, and he could easily conjure up a means of getting revenge. -Only, it wasn't just about revenge anymore. Mello had taken this game a bit too far, and Matt was determined to make the final move. He was going to win. Checkmate. Yes, victory would be his, and his Orgasm would be avenged. And Mello wouldn't dare try such a thing again.

Cruel thoughts twisted in Matt's mind, and he couldn't wait for the blonde to come home. Hell would be nothing compared to the disaster that awaited.

…

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**/(Personally, I wanna see Matt wrestle a gator.) -One or two chapters left. Please Review./**


	6. Chapter 6

**Title: **(B)Itch Fit

**Summary: **Mello gets a cat, knowing that a certain redhead is allergic. So, Matt gets even, and it becomes a battle of tolerance. Who will snap first? Sickly Matt or a very determined but angry Mello?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own DN or anything referenced.

**Author's Note: **Short chapter, sorry! But... I promise the Epilogue will more than make up for it in length, sequence, and awesomeness.

…

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**Chapter Five:**

Courtesy of Rod's demand and his own stirring loins, Mello obliged the idea of going home, apologizing, and having hott kinky make up sex.

Little did the blonde know that he'd be getting more than he bargained for the moment he set foot in his and Matt's humble abode.

Entering the house with a turn of the key and a swing of the door, he walked in like any other time. He was greeted with little Durden pawing at his feet. He picked up the tiny feline and held it close, scratching behind the little guy's ear and enjoying the sound of purring.

Walking further into the house, he saw Stinky face-deep in a food bowl; Faygo claws-deep in the new drapes; and Willie rubbing against a torn sofa cushion, telltale liquid coating the surface between the leather material and the cat's underbelly.

Mello found none of this out of the ordinary, though he was mildly curious about Matt, Orgasm, and the gator he'd left as an unconventional means of pest control.

Entering the living room, the gator he'd comically named Rubber was gone; he supposed it could have wandered the lower level of the house, so he'd be on guard against hidden reptiles with giant jaws and deadly teeth.

Upon further inspection of the modest living room, he caught sight of a disembodied leg with a hoof; it could only have come from a Matt's cow _(goat!). _That immediate realization made the blonde sick, for he'd never intended such a thing to happen.

He didn't want Rubber to eat Orgasm; it was wrong on so many levels.

He'd only wanted to reduce the rat population and possibly scare the shit out of his redhead companion; that's all.

Sighing heavily, he began to feel guilt… and that guilt only increased tenfold when he ventured into the kitchen and saw red painted on the walls and floor, bloody handprints smeared along the lower cupboards and table leg… and the shredded remains of a striped shirt resting in the open jaws of the alligator that displayed itself in the center of the room.

Naturally, Mello's own fears allowed him to suspect the worst.

…

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**/Sorry for this chapter being ridiculously short. Next up is the epilogue. Review./**


	7. Chapter 7

**Title: **(B)Itch Fit

**Summary: **Mello gets a cat, knowing that a certain redhead is allergic. So, Matt gets even, and it becomes a battle of tolerance. Who will snap first? Sickly Matt or a very determined but angry Mello?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own DN or anything referenced.

**Author's Note: **Finally done!

…

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**Final Chapter:**

Panic surged through Mello as he stared the gator down. His eyes narrowed and the reptile emitted a hiss as it stretched out and spanned its jaw, successfully showing off its size in an attempt at intimidating its foe. But Mello was more angry than scared, and though he had no plan of attack, he was determined to avenge Matt at whatever the cost. Stealing one last glance at the shredded stripes that rested between those massive jowls, his mind was made up. He launched himself into action, barely escaping a set of enclosing jaws. A growl escaped either one of them, and the battle was on!

Mello planted a firm kick to the side of the reptile's head, effectively pissing it off and causing it to come at him once more, tail whipping around and teeth sinking into his leather-wrapped leg.

A strangled cry left the blonde as he realized that he'd been caught; and that cry warped into a high-pitched shriek as the gator snapped a few consecutive times before holding its prey in a vice-like grip and proceeding to roll, taking the blonde with it.

Pained blue eyes squeezed shut while the boot of his liberated leg slammed into the alligator's snout in a futile attempt at freeing himself.

He was able to quell his howls of pain but found himself unable to break loose; the jaws were too powerful and he feared losing his leg altogether.

In retrospect, he supposed he should've just shot the damn thing, but he had a sneaking suspicion that the tough exterior wouldn't permit much damage.

He knew his skin had been peeled off by those knife-like teeth, and he was afraid to assess the detriment any further.

-Thankfully, the gator spanned its jaw once more, preparing to land a devastating bite on its wounded prey, but just before a successful chomp could be made, the blonde managed to jerk his leg out of its reach; he quickly scampered a few feet away before grabbing up a kitchen chair and thwacking his attacker, earning an angry noise geared toward him and his makeshift weapon.

He swung the chair again, but the gator snapped again, easily crushing and demolishing the chair's back-support before taking a deliberately slow step in the blonde's direction, cornering him.

Mello cursed, eyes wandering to his own wound and the mass amount of blood that pooled at his feet.

He could only wonder what sort of pain his redheaded boyfriend had suffered; how much he had endured before meeting a gruesome demise.

His heart raced and he looked around frantically, spotting a window and contemplating an escape; then he could make a call and have this carnivorous nuisance professionally removed.

Yes, that's what he'd do.

He'd just made up his mind when those jaws came after him again, causing him to hop upon a nearby counter, back pressed against the wall and knees pulling close to his chest in an awkward attempt to keep out of range.

Just then, from across the kitchen, he caught a glimpse of red hair.

And his heart stopped.

"_Matt_?!" he shouted loudly, flailing his arms in a poor attempt to signal his boyfriend to leave.

The gator jerked into the air, jaw flapping blindly and narrowly missing what it wanted.

Mello let out a surprised yelp as his uninjured leg once again shot out, effectively slamming into the lower mandible and forcing the creature to back off for a moment.

"Matt!" Mello shouted again, eyes wide and tone full of panic. "There's a fuckin' alligator in here! Leave! Get help!"

The redhead heard every word, but he didn't retreat. He simply stood in the doorway and crossed his arms. "So... you're telling me you're afraid of Rubber?" he asked condescendingly.

Hearing this, blue eyes narrowed. "What are you getting at? I mean -Fuck I thought you were dead! You asshole!"

And Matt chuckled. "Yeah, you were _supposed_ to think that."

"Dumbass! I'll kill you for that! I thought-!"

"Yeah, Mells? And what did you hope to accomplish by leaving me home alone with your Rubber?"

To this, Mello had nothing to say; the only sound that could be heard was Rubber's failed attempts at reaching Mello.

Matt spoke again: "Mello, I wasn't mad because you got a cat. I was mad because you did it without discussing it first. I was mad because you knew it'd make me sick, but you didn't care."

"So? You got a cow!"

"_Goat_, Mello! It was a _goat_! And it got eaten!"

"Yeah, but-!"

"But-nothing. Mells, let's just make this simple. I'll help you detain Rubber, and then we can have kinky make up sex, okay?"

Mello opened his mouth to protest, but after seeing how close Rubber's teeth were to reaching him, he gave a slow nod and kept his mouth shut. Then, much to his surprise, he watched Matt simply walk over, taking slow, cautious steps as he walked up behind the animal and dropped onto it, straddling it; practiced hands held it's head in place while his body weighed it down and, although there was a bit of struggling and thrashing, Rubber eventually went flaccid.

"How the fuck did you do that, Matt?!" Mello asked, being louder than necessary.

And Matt simply smiled, baring his teeth and squinting his eyes childishly. "You and I spent a few years apart before getting this place together, remember? And while you were joining the mafia, I wasn't just sitting in front of a computer all day. No, actually, I did some travelling; lived down in the bayous of Mississippi and helped a local Gator Ranch trap rogue crocs. Did it every day for about eight months before the place got shut down and I ended up moving to Chicago...-" the redhead surely would've said more, but his blonde roommate and lover wouldn't allow it.

Mello hopped off the counter, wincing at the use of his mistreated leg and approaching the redhead. As he did, Rubber squirmed and tried to attack him but was unable to do so. Then... Mello leaned close to the redhead and... planted a rather chaste kiss on his lips. Pulling away, their breaths ghosted over one another and Mello smiled. "Matt... you're a crazy bastard."

"Learned from the best."

"So... when were you in Chicago? What all have I missed?"

And again, Matt smiled. "Why don't we take care of Rubber first, and then I'll fill you in on everything, okay?"

Mello gave a nod and left it at that.

...

Later, Mello's leg was properly tended, Rubber was on his way to a zoo, and Stinky, Faygo, and Willie were given to an elderly couple who lived nearby. Matt had thanked Mello for the cooperation and agreed that they could keep Durden... under the condition that Matt was allowed to get one non cow-related pet of his own.

So, after a rather heated series of sexual encounters, Mello was back at work, telling Rod about everything that had happened and how he and Matt didn't need marital counseling.

All was well and Mello felt as if he were on top of the world, minus his prominent limp that came from torn muscles and ligaments.

-Mello arrived back home around 2 AM, and after making sure that Durden had been fed and had plenty of water, he decided to locate his favorite redhead and possibly have a nice quiet time of cuddles and sweet talk... as Matt had whined and bitched for any number of times.

However, upon entering the redhead's room, his heart stopped; his eyes widened and his mouth was agape; his body was stock still, paralyzed, and he let out an ungodly wail.

Matt sat on his bed, game in hand and cigarette tucked between his lips... but that wasn't the fear-inducing problem.

No.

What had the blonde nearly catatonic was the aviation.

The feathered fiend.

The bird.

The fuckin' chicken that looked around frantically and strutted back and forth, occasionally flocking around the redhead's denim-clad legs.

Why was this a problem?

Because Mello hated chickens.

Because Mello feared chickens.

Because chickens were the Anti-Christ of the animal kingdom!

Tears poured from Mello's icy blue eyes and he quivered with fear; it took a lot of will power not to turn away and run. "M-M-Ma-att? Wh-What's with the ch-chi-chi-chick-ck-ken?" He stuttered quietly, surprised that he was able to talk at all.

Not even looking up from his handheld, Matt answered: "Mells, this is what I wanted. You got Durden, and I've got _Chocolate_."

"Y-You named your chi-chicken _that_?"

Matt nodded dismissively and continued to tap at his beloved buttons. "Cool, isn't she? I was gonna get a cock, but I didn't think you'd like it, so it's just a hen." After a moment of debilitating silence, he finally paused his game and looked up at the blonde. "I thought you _liked_ Chocolate," he said teasingly.

Mello shook his head with a small jerky movement, unable to do much else. "You know how I feel about chickens," he uttered despondently.

Matt merely quirked a brow. "Mello, remind me again why you hate them."

"...you already know."

"Remind me."

"Because... -No."

"C'mon, Mells. Remind me, and I'll think about getting rid of it." Matt reached down and nudged the strutting hen and it ruffled its feathers unhappily, letting out a squawk in the process.

Mello whined childishly but, after taking a deep breath, he gave in. "I-I was six... or seven. I was visiting Aunt Nelly's farm. I didn't want to be there. I just wanted to be home, eating candy: more specifically, chocolate."

"Yes, go on, Mello. Tell me about what happened on you aunt's farm."

"Sh-she told me to go play with the chickens; said they were friendly and wouldn't peck at me or anything."

"And... did they peck at you?"

"No."

"Then what happened, Mello?"

And Mello was reluctant to go further; his eyes were wide and his expression was manic; his hands balled into fists and he shook his head.

"C'mon, Mells. For me? You let my Orgasm get eaten. If you don't want me to keep Chocolate, the least you could do, is tell me this story. I swear, it's one of my favorites!"

And Mello glared. "You think it's funny?!"

"Honestly? Yeah."

"Matt, you're a major douche; it was traumatizing!"

"Just finish the story. Go on. -Now, you were at your Aunt Nelly's farm. She told you to play with her nice, cuddly, wuddly chickens. Then what?"

Taking a deep breath, the blonde gave in again; he love Matt too much to continue protesting. He closed his eyes and revealed: "then... while I was standing there, looking at the chickens, I dropped my chocolate bar..."

"_Awww, how sad_."

"Shut up! -I dropped my chocolate bar, and... right before I could pick it back up, a chicken walked over... and pooped on it."

And Matt fell into hysterics, pressing a hand over his gut and falling to the floor as he bellowed and laughed and guffawed in a rather animated fashion. He knew that chickens brought back that foul memory for the blonde, and he decided that psychological warfare was the only way to make him pay for what had transpired between them...

After a small eternity, Mello growled softly and murmured: "so... can we get rid of the damn thing?"

And Matt nodded. "Yeah, I guess. And we can still keep Durden because I found some good meds to help with my allergies."

Mello nodded, grateful but still traumatized.

"Cheer up, Mells."

"No."

His blatant refusal to even try to perk up caused Matt to frown; all humor from the situation was gone. "Give me an hour, and the chicken will be gone, alright?"

Mello nodded mutely.

"Still mad at me, Mells?" Matt asked.

Another nod.

"I can make up for it though, I promise." And Matt was smiling, suddenly stuck with glee at a thought that would surely make things better between them. Mello was being intentionally unresponsive, but the redhead was so sure he could make things right for both of them. -"Mello," Matt said, speaking calmly as his smile stretched even wider. "Mells, remember the bloody mess that you found when you came home to Rubber?"

Mello slowly sharply, instantly filled with dread at recalling how scared he was, thinking Matt had been torn to shreds and devoured... and that it had been his fault for letting the gator in to begin with.

Matt continued: "Well, it obviously wasn't me, but the gator _did_ eat someone."

At this, Mello crossed his arms and looked both curious and wary.

"Mells, your Rubber ate _Near_."

-In a flash, Mello's body was bare and he was mounting the redhead, showering him in fevered kisses in a spontaneous show of appreciation. Because nobody liked Near anyways. And because Mello's fear of farm fowl was temporarily forgotten. And, most importantly, because the their relationship was finally going to be okay.

...

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**/Lame ending, I know, but I really wanted to add Mello's fear of chickens. -Review./**


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